Anxiety

This has been a week of anxiety. After waiting for a week for my period to start after the first pack of birth control pills, Monday came with no signs of starting. First thing Monday morning, I emailed June to find out what I need to do next. Last week, I had emailed her asking when I would start and she told me it is normally sometime between Day 4 and Day 7 of stopping BCP, so when Day 7 arrived, I was sure to be on top of it and get in touch with Pacific Reproductive right away. June told me that she would notify Dr. Salem and that she would either call or email me later on in the day. Needless to say, my workday seemed so much longer than usual as I waited for her to contact me. Finally, at about 5:15 p.m. I received a call from her, instructing me to just go ahead and start the second pack of BCPs and to schedule my secondary hysteroscopy immediately. With John's work needing him to work longer hours lately, I worried that I wouldn't have anyone to take me to and from the appointment, so I started trying to make arrangements with friends and family. I had a couple of very generous offers from them, but was still relieved to find out that John had rearranged his schedule to be able to accommodate taking me to and from the appointment. After telling him of our friends Pat and Harold offering to take me, it was very reassuring to hear him say, "No, we have to do this ourselves." -- Made me feel not-so-alone, and that he is really here 100% of the way for this process.

On a side note, I think that pregnant women do have a tendency to feel alone during their term, there also is a considerable amount of feeling almost-loneliness and solitude for women who are trying to have a baby. While the husband / partner IS there and experiencing it as well, the ticking of the biological clock is stronger with women. The thought of carrying that little life inside you -- and the frustration of not being able to do so right away -- equates to emotions and mood swings that no amount of IVF hormones can compare to. That being said, you can imagine the amount of reassurance I felt when John was so adamant about doing these processes ourselves, about him being there for all appointments and conversations and emails with PRC.

I digress. My secondary hysteroscopy is scheduled for this Friday at 11 a.m. at PRC's Torrance office. It involves the same preparation process as the last -- no food or drink after midnight the evening before, arrive 30 minutes or more earlier, and yes, the same $900 cost. The main (though not sole) purpose of this particular hysteroscopy is to check that the excess endometrial tissue from last time has decreased to a level more ideal for carrying a baby. After this, I am hoping to only wait one week to obtain results, of course hoping that no pathology lab test(s) will be needed this time. Needless to say, I am taking the day off work on Friday, as I will be drugged up and drowsy for most of the day. I am thankful for being able to take that day off, as it is one more day to not only rest but to get a break from my nightmare co-worker M.

As far as M is concerned at work, I have done a fairly decent job in keeping her at arm's length away from me. Despite being more accommodating to her and sometimes actually listening to her talk about how much she is eating, I have remained quiet and significantly more reserved at work, which keeps her just far enough away. I have found that when I hear her start talking in the hallway, I just turn up the volume on my iPod and shut my door. Today, our other co-worker and my dear friend Amy brought in The Belly Book, which is a journal for pregnancy. It is the book that I am actually planning to purchase once I do get pregnant. Like clockwork, M came into my office right after Amy walked in, as M does not like to be left out of any conversations (read: nosy). M told us she just ordered the book from Amazon last night and recommended that I do so as well. I was very quick (but not short) in telling her that it wasn't time yet, and this response seemed to have me dismiss the issue much quicker. With each passing day, I learn and adapt more to this situation of having insensitive M pregnant around me. My self-preservation methods are becoming second nature and easier to apply. I am hoping that this keeps this way for me throughout her pregnancy, and maybe even through mine.

I am thankful for the baby steps we are taking towards having this / these baby(ies). Little as they may be, these are leading us closer to our goal. I'm not going to lie and tell you that it is easy -- because it is not. It's a slow and long and painful daily process and reality that I have to face. I am trying my best not to vent so much to John because at the same time, I do not want him to feel the pressure and to feel aggravated. My poor husband has been so patient, kind, and generous of himself throughout this process, and I feel that bombarding him with my daily head rants will just push him away from me.

There are so many things to be thankful for on top of that. Two weekends ago, our friends and second-parents Harold and Pat came and spent the weekend with us. We had a fabulous time hanging out, shopping (of course), going to dinner one night and relaxing all day then making dinner the next. Last weekend, I got to go away with one of my bridesmaids and best friends, Molly, on an overnight trip to Palm Springs. It felt good to shop, gossip, lay out by the pool, and just enjoy my time away from the reality of trying to become a mother. Last night, another one of my bridesmaids and best friends, Kristen, came over for dinner and we had one of our famous long talks late into the night. The support of friends like them as well as our family has been beyond a saving grace for us. We are blessed and thankful for all your love.