Standstill

Today is day 2 of me with no birth control pills.. I have finished the first pack, and have been instructed to now wait until my period comes. Four days into my period, no matter what day it is, I have to start on the second pack of BCPs. I also will have to notify June so that she can schedule my follow-up hysteroscopy sometime the week after. Another unforeseen, unplanned $900, but hey, we're hanging in.

After the hysteroscopy (and God-willing, the results turn out fine), I will be taking my BCPs until around the 25th of October when I will start the Lupron shots. Lupron acts by suppressing the pituitary gland (the gland which is normally responsible for triggering ovulation). Evidently, this will give me menopause-like symptoms (i.e. hot flashes, mood swings, etc.). This part of the process is known as the suppression phase. During the suppression phase, spontaneous ovulation will not occur. I think (and note, I think . . . don't necessarily "know") this just helps with the timing and balancing of hormone levels before they induce follicle stimulation (e.g. my body to produce more than one follicle / egg in one cycle). Anyway, I don't want to get too ahead of myself here. More explanation in posts to come.

Things at work are quiet, largely due to my own choices of not being involved in conversations with M regarding her pregnancy. She had informed me that she plans to own but NOT read What To Expect When You're Expecting since I was reading it anyway -- she just planned to ask me everything. I know it is just her twisted way of trying to get me involved in her pregnancy to shove it in my face, but after extensive talks with my wonderful other half and a couple of well-trusted title holders in my life this weekend, I have decided to take an active stance in not allowing her to "suck me in" to her dramatics. Embarrassingly, I broke down in front of my boss last week. Being not only my boss, but a good friend of John's and mine, he noted that he understood how I felt, but appreciate how I have just tried to bury myself in my work and ignore the situation. Even he said that if M's pregnancy reaches levels of dramatics like her wedding planning and seemingly everything else in her life, he was not going to put up with it. "Not putting up with it" can entail so many different definitions, but even a mere word on the side would satisfy me. Thus far, it has worked for me. Yesterday, she came into my office and told me that she was starting to get "my" nausea (as I had been experiencing since starting BCPs and prenatals) and I just acknowledged her with a mere "huhh." Needless to say, she was upset and didn't talk to me the whole day and has been quiet today too -- exactly my goal! I want to just put in my 8 to 5 and go home to the one person who really matters. My day yesterday was comparatively better than the days of last week, and I plan on maintaining that.
I think the most frustrating part of this stage of the process is that I feel like we are at a standstill. Not a fan of "sitting / waiting around", I pride myself in being active, dynamic, pragmatic . . . and yes, perhaps with a flair for being a little bit anal retentive. I make a list, and I expect . . . no, no, no, I ENSURE that everything on that list is knocked out systematically one by one (hence: our wedding). Write it down and get it done. That being said, you can imagine how sitting around and waiting for Mother Nature to knock on my door is really against my mantra. I feel restless and anxious, as if I should be doing something, anything else rather than waiting. I tire myself out sometimes, but it's the only way I know and the only way I like to be. This might explain the five different calendars I have created at work, at home, and on my phone -- it helps me keep busy by giving myself short term goals and events, therefore keeping most of my anxiety at bay.

As the days go by, and the more frustrated I get, however, the idea of eventually being a stay-at-home mother becomes a more present internal struggle. I have worked my entire adult life, with only a few days' break in between jobs. No matter how small the amount, I have earned my own money and pride myself in the fact that although John rightfully takes on the traditional role of breadwinner, he does not do so solely. I take pride in the fact that he does not have to pay for my personal bills -- car, auto insurance, cell phone, and credit card payments -- as well as a majority of our grocery shopping. When I become a stay-at-home mom, John will be the sole breadwinner of the family, and I dread the pressure and weight that it will put on him. He will have to take over those payments on top of what he already pays for. I am aware that the argument lies that I will still "earn my keep"; being at home entails all the household chores and taking care of the kids, which are large undertakings on their own. Still, I can't deny that our life now is very comfortable and I cannot bear the thought of all the financial responsibilities to be borne by John and only John. Conversely, however, I know that John and I both agree that we do not want a stranger raising our child[ren]. Not having any family living nearby, we would have no choice but to have me stay at home. We could choose to have me work part time, but (a) the mere thought of putting my child[ren] in a daycare filled with other kids with a cold or a cough or strep throat sends me close to a panic attack and (b) with the exorbitant costs of day care in South Orange County, I would be earning just enough to send one child to day care, let alone two children. At this juncture, we it is still a bridge that we will need to cross when we get there, but forethought never really hurt anyone.

The general themes of my days lately have seemed to be something along the lines of "Just Survive". For someone as talkative and bubbly as I am, I'm finding it a challenge (though not an impossible one) to keep to myself and just be quiet at work, although in doing so yesterday, it made my day go by faster. The faster my days go, the closer John and I get to the conception process of having a baby, the closer we get to having everything we have ever dreamt of.

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