Little Things

It is Wednesday and the third day in a row that I have decidedly not taken my prenatal vitamins. They always made me sick -- constipated and indigested, not to mention give me too much energy for someone who has a desk job. I've noticed that while on them, I stayed up much later at night, slept lighter, and woke up several times in the middle of the night, unable to fall asleep. Last night was the first night in two weeks that I have actually really slept -- and without the assistance of any sleep aids.

As for my birth control pills, I have continued to take them, despite the headaches and nausea they cause. I feel like I have all the symptoms of a pregnant woman -- irritability, nausea, mood swings -- and I am not even pregnant! What really got to me was last Saturday, when John and I were eating lunch as we waited for my engagement ring to get cleaned. During the conversation, John said, "So, am I starting to bug you now? Am I getting on your nerves?" I knew that I had been a little crabby lately, but did not realize that it was starting to affect him . . . and I felt rotten. I apologized, told him it wasn't his fault, that it was my hormones' fault, and despite his acceptance of my apology, I didn't feel any better. I felt like a spoiled, ungrateful wife. I can't change what happened, but I have been trying my very best in the days that have followed to be nicer and not let my roller coaster hormones get the best of me, and in effect, the best of him. John doesn't ever ask for much, and I want to give him so much more.

The nausea is ridiculous. Every day and every night, I am nauseous. No food sounds appetizing. For weeks I had craved and ate tuna melt sandwiches for lunch, and as of late, the mere thought is followed by those of vomit. My meals have become progressively less and less as I constantly feel full; however, once my body realizes that it is, in fact, hungry, I feel so starved that my stomach growls and I get hunger burps. Oh the burps! I burp so much that it's ridiculous. Little gas bubbles keep rising up from God-knows-where and coming out of my mouth. I do have to comment, though, that the burps have decreased significantly since I stopped taking the prenatal vitamins.

Our nurturer, June, is on vacation this week, and there is a part of me that feels like Jack Nicholson's character in As Good As It Gets when his regular waitress (Helen Hunt's character) is not at the restaurant. I'm freaking out a little bit at the change and the shift in constancy. She did give me a contact in the interim, Debbie, but it doesn't feel the same. Of course, I have sent Debbie an email of my first set of questions for what, I am sure, will be a long and arduous week for this poor woman. I try my best to relax and lay low, but those of you who know me know that that is like asking a dog to stop licking its ass. You can swat me all you want, but it's just not gonna change.

June also emailed me yesterday to let me know that she was going on vacation (I had known this since last week) and that she would be sending me another pack of birth control pills because now I will need to take them for another cycle. Looks like no matter the results of the pathology labs, I would be taking another month of BCP, which pushes back the actual pregnancy another month too. I keep telling myself the right thing -- patience, patience, patience -- but somehow I have such a hard time getting myself to believe my own words. I feel like I am coming out of my skin in sheer impatience. Waves of intense emotion have taken over my body and I can't control it.

One of the few things that keeps me going these days is John. He is a vision of patience and virtue. He is my source of solace and laughter. What amazes me most about him is that no matter how difficult I've become, how irritable I have been, he still manages to make me smile, and laugh, and feel good about myself. Most of all, I am amazed that he still manages to love me and not leave me!

The one other thing that keeps me going is prayer. I don't spend much time on my knees in white-knuckled prayer, but I have my regular and constant conversations with God. I know He is here and He does listen. I know He has a plan and I ask for patience to help me wait to see how it all plays out. It is only in prayer that we get answers.

In these situations, it's hard to find things to be thankful for. The waiting is hard, the emotion is overwhelming, and not everyone always understands or is willing to listen. I have learned to find the little things to be thankful for -- a meal that sounds good and stays down, the husband who patiently rubs my back when I feel particularly tense or sick, the love that keeps us grounded, the faith that keeps us stable, and even the ability to write [type] out my experiences and share with family and friends who read it and support us. These little things make me grateful for this life . . . and for the little life that I know will be joining us not long from now.

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