In the past few posts, I have preached a good amount about keeping the faith, being determined, being patient, and doing things right.
But I lied.
While I have determination and do want to accomplish this the right way, I am not exactly a fountain of patience. In last night’s post, I was honestly too lazy and tired to dig up emotion, and decided to hide behind a storm of infertility jargon.
So today, I’m sitting in my office and it hit me.
A co-worker, M, just told me yesterday that she is 5 weeks pregnant. I have not really been a big fan of hers since the beginning. She is abrasive, pompous, a know-it-all, and from day one, has always had a self-inflicted comparison complex with me. We do have quite a bit in common – we both married men who are a little bit older than us, we are around the same age. When we first started working here (I was hired six weeks before her) we were not engaged, and no more than two weeks after I got engaged, she got engaged too. In fact, she shared with me that the night I got engaged and she told her then-boyfriend (now husband), he asked her if she was ok “because Angie got engaged and [she] wasn’t yet”. I never understood her drive to compete with someone who (a) she barely knows, (b) who doesn’t compete with her, and (c) who doesn’t care for her too much anyway. She has told me herself that she feels that anything she has done, I do better. The funny thing is that John and I do things because we want to do them – not because we are driven by some competition with them or anyone for that matter. To say the least, I find her a pain and really cannot stand her.
Suffice it to say, the second she heard that John and I wanted to have a baby, she text her husband and they decided they would try too. More than once have I heard from her mouth that she wanted us to have a baby first (and it was in that tone where you just KNOW that she means it the other way around). Mind you, she and her husband are still living the college lifestyle. Nothing against it, but it does not necessarily create the best environment for a child when your husband spent last weekend wasted at Big Bear Oktoberfest and, in his drunken stupor, almost peed on your brother. The weekend before that was spent in Havasu, needing to be dragged home from the bar because he was so blitzed that he started rubbing another guy's head and yelling "I want fun!!" Recently, a weekend was spent at a cousin's wedding where M videotaped her husband on the floor of their hotel hallway writhing on the floor in drunkenness, kicking her, and telling her he wanted to party more. Even worse, I don’t necessarily think that your oaf of a husband is ready to procreate when he makes you give him your entire paycheck so you can split all the bills completely, even though he makes three times more than you. He gets angry when M wants to buy a $4 face wash at WalMart, and splits "his" stuff from "hers" at the checkout stand.
At any rate, we found out yesterday that yes, his sperm may not have been as stupid as their carrier and found their way. I have dreaded this day because, as another co-worker told me yesterday, she is the type of person who will make this pregnancy the most melodramatic one yet. And quite honestly, I can't stand the thought of going through a pregnancy with her.
Yes, there is a part of me that feels completely envious. Jealousy is a whole different creature from envy. I am honestly happy for M&S and hope that this baby brings them growth and happiness and perhaps a sense of selflessness. But I do feel envious because I cannot wait until John and I get to that point -- announcing it to our friends and family, scheduling doctor's appointments, and preparing for the little life (or lives) we have created together. I know our time will come, and I know that we will be equally happy (if not more so), but I can't help but wish (for this very limited part) that we can have that happiness NOW.
My birth control pills are causing me to have the emotional instability of a pregnant woman already and I want to cry. M was talking to another co-worker earlier about how she is feeling now, etc. and I just had to turn up the volume on my iPod and mute them out.
I just came from the bathroom right now to have a second to collect myself because I just cried. I confided in my friend Amy (Who can't stand M just the same) and she asked me, "Is it because you can't stand her or because you wish it was you?" and I honestly told her that it was both. Amy reassured me that our baby will be coming into a better marriage, a better home, and that she thinks that this baby will break up M&S because they are the primest example of not being ready for a child. I don't really care what it does to them, but I just care that John and I get to be at that point soon.
We are so ready that it aches.
We are so ready that it aches.