it hasn't been so fun this week.

J has noted that every few months, I get into this rut.
And it seems that this particular week is my rut week.
I'm exhausted and restless and getting signs of a bad ear infection.


To make matters worse, I received news that the dreaded M wants to come and visit the office to show off her baby.
My reaction: WHY????
Honestly, NO ONE in our office likes her all that much.
In our private conversations, those in the office who had known her have implicitly expressed to me that they have NO interest in seeing her. They minced no words in saying that they don't even care for her.
But she is coming.
And I know I paint myself a total BITCH for getting hurt and angry and feeling betrayed.
WHY is she coming??
I was told early that she was coming as a "consideration", as a "courtesy".


Even our bosses have told me that especially since we are such a small office, we are like a family.
And in so many ways, we truly are.
But in this situation, I don't feel like that at all.
In fact, I feel like the red-headed stepchild.
I keep trying to convince myself that I'm being ridiculous, that I can just brush this whole thing off, but here's the big news: THIS IS REAL LIFE. This isn't a joke or a menial thing. My reality is that I wake up 
every.
single.
day.
not having the baby girls we have dreamt about in our arms.


And the biggest aggressor to that pain is invited openly to a place that I am at every day? How is this okay? I don't understand why we are allowing her back into our lives. Just to see a baby? There are a MILLION babies out there for us to see, let alone babies whose mothers we actually care to see as well. Why this one?
If we are a family, then the office is like our home. Why would you invite an adversary to your home? Or your child's bully? Or your obnoxious neighbor?
This girl had terrorized my life for three long years by her mere presence.
On top of that, all those weeks I spent listening to her shove in my face the fact that I wasn't pregnant when she got knocked up by her husband who could care less about her . . . and of course the weeks after we lost the girls, when M would parade herself and her pregnancy stories around me. 


No, no, it wasn't just because she was pregnant and walking in front of me. It was to the extent of leaving for the day, then walking back in with two very LARGE centerpieces from her baby shower just to show me.


Or opening our boss's baby shower present IN MY OFFICE {when our boss gave her the present at her own desk}... {"Oh I'm going to open it in Angie's office to show her!"}


Insensitive, tactless, zero social graces, or just downright stupid... I do not want to associate myself with any of those adjectives, let alone the person who carries them. Winners surround themselves with winners; losers surround themselves with losers. The same applies for those descriptions.


So I ask again, why is it ok for her to come and visit? This is just like telling me to leave my own home so that my husband's ex-wife can come over. How does this make sense?


I am angry, tired, and have a headache from all the tears I have shed from this.
J has told me that the only cure for this rut is sleep... and tomorrow, we start a new day.


Thank you, everyone, for keeping us in your prayers.