21 Weeks: I Don't Know What To Do At This Point

Weeks: 21
Weight Gain: still +4 lbs. from pre-baby weight
This Week's Cravings: Seems that my palate has been progressing. Not only have I now digressed to soy iced chai from Starbucks {I'm no longer stuck on just Coffee Bean}, I've also moved from only Costco cheese pizza to Costco pepperoni pizza. I know the pepperoni could be counted as a deli meat, so I'm only having it in moderation. I've also noticed that she moves a LOT with grape juice, so it's been fun to drink that and feel her throw an in-utero party.
New Maternity / Baby Purchases: This week has been a whirlwind, not necessarily with purchases, but with setting up the nursery. I think that we were really anticipating the gender reveal date, and as soon as that was done, we started preparing more actively. Last week, J started clearing out the room which would be the nursery and last Friday, he hired professional painters to paint the room. Once the paint dried, he and our friend Will moved the changing table and the rocking chair in. Yesterday, we hired an electrician to install the chandelier, which J had originally ordered custom made for Aubrey & Finley. I don't think I can quite relay the emotions we felt when we finally saw the chandelier installed. J also installed the curtains yesterday. Tomorrow {Wednesday], we are expecting the crib to be delivered, and I'm expecting that we will be purchasing the mattress shortly. Other than that and finding a bookcase and a lamp, we essentially would have the nursery done. All we need are the little touches {her monogram, picture frames, etc.} after that. Outside of these preparations, we are stopping until we get a 4D ultrasound, or at least until our next checkup. More on this below. All I know is that if this is the nesting stage, it's very clear that I am not alone in it. 
Yes, there will be a post about this later on, but here is a preview picture.
This Week's Pregnancy Cheat: On Saturday night, we met up with J's uncle, aunt, and cousins who were visiting from NorCal at one of our favorite restaurants, The Crab Pot in Long Beach. J's cousin, Jared, ordered oysters on the halfshell, and sitting next to him, what was I supposed to do?!?! I had one. ;-)
Things to Look Forward To: Especially with what happened with the previous pregnancy, I now have OB appointments about every other week. I really look forward to these appointments, as I feel really relieved every time we hear her heartbeat and am reassured that everything is moving along smoothly. So tomorrow, we have another checkup. Our goal for tomorrow is to not only check on her progress, but to double check for . . . ahem . . . certain body parts {more on this later}.
Tired / Sick / Sleepy?: I've given up on fighting the sleepiness. This is largely because I realized the other day that my fear of my nighttime sleep being thrown off {which I absolutely abhor} is now null and void. On Friday, I napped for a whopping three {yes, THREE!} hours. I woke up fearing that I'd be up all night. To my surprise, I went to bed by 11:30 p.m. Additionally, on Sunday, I napped at 5:00 p.m. {very late on my napping clock} for an hour and a half. With that length of a nap at that late of an hour, I expected myself to not go to bed until about 2:00 a.m. I was out by midnight.
So . . . about the body part check. Remember the story on the gender reveal post of how we found out Baby B's gender? She had her legs crossed and the radiologist ruled out the baby being a boy because she didn't see testicles. Baby B was so adamant about keeping her legs crossed that day {hopefully, a good sign for the future!}. Tomorrow, we will be asking Dr. Moore if we can just double check that, um, area just to ensure that our little girl is, in fact, a girl. If Baby B still refuses to cooperate, we will be scheduling our 4D ultrasound a little earlier than planned, just so we can be reassured that the color schemes we have picked for both her wardrobe and her room are the correct ones. If, for example, our little she turns out to be a HE, we obviously will be taking down our pink chandelier, pink curtains, linens, and all other items pink and saving them for the next Baby B. We will need to order a more masculine light fixture and install a more gender appropriate color for our curtains. Thank goodness we remain safe with gray paint and white furniture so far. 
Outside of these preparations, I have to admit I feel a little lost and anxious. My last pregnancy only went to 20 weeks before I went through preterm labor and lost the girls. Up until this point, I had something to compare my experience to. Although it is exciting to experience everything new, I guess the slight feeling of fear and anxiety comes in every so often. After all, at this point the last time, the pregnancy didn't even exist for us anymore. Both J and I try not to let those feelings come in and take too much out of our happiness, but sometimes it really is inevitable. I have often wondered, even during the last pregnancy, if this is what it's really like to be a parent: to constantly worry about your child. Right now, I just want to see her take her first breath, and from that point, I know I will be in constant worry for her to get to the next. I'm starting to learn that part of parenting is worrying that your child will make it alright to the next milestone -- if she will make it alright to her birth, then her first birthday, her third, fifth, and so on. 
Our biggest saving grace has really been our faith. When these fears come, I find myself praying and asking God for safety, health, and protection from harm. When I was little, my mom used to tell me everytime I got scared to say Jesus's name out loud three times and even the sound of His name scares the devil. This has stuck with me into adulthood and I do it each time fear strikes {even if I'm just walking through the hallway in the dark}, and somehow, it goes away. Call it a psychological thing or what you will, but thus far in my life, His name has saved me in more ways than I can ever say. 
J reminds me all the time that we are in the best position we could ever be, especially considering what we have been through in the past year. We lost our daughters, but now we are looking forward to another. How much more blessed can we get?!?! At this point, how can we ever even question the existence and greatness of God? 
The answer is simple: We can't, and for this, we are even more thankful.


Lisa Younker said...

This is so beautiful! You are such a blessing to our family. I love you and what a positive, caring and fun person you are. You are a great mother already. I'm proud to be able to call you my cousin.

Post a Comment

Thank you for leaving me some love!