Sometimes I Get Scared

I am currently 10 weeks, 3 days pregnant. 
In the middle of all this elation, all the love, excitement, and yes, anxiety, I get scared.

I get scared sometimes that all the excitement of this new baby is making us begin to forget about the two we lost.
I miss our girls so much.
When I rub this belly and talk to this baby and have J rub the belly to say good morning or good night, I think of Aubrey & Finley.
They would have been four months old now.
What color would their eyes have been?
What would their personalities have been like?

We got a taste of it with them in utero
but once they came out and grew, would they have been shy, showoffs, rambunctious?
I think of them often
and make sure I do so
because I don't want their memory to simply disappear
just because we are getting ready for a new baby.
May seem weird, but I'm actually afraid for the day to come when I don't cry at the thought of them. 
{Someone who has been through a similar experience did tell me, however, that even 38 years later, they still do cry, which is further proof that you really never, never get over the loss of a child.}

Two days ago, I installed the new Facebook timeline
and I started to play around with it. It is so much easier to peruse through and see old posts, pictures, messages. I laughed at some of my posts -- how silly they were, how long ago they had been, how different I had been, even a mere two, three, four years ago.

And then, unexpectedly {and I don't know why I didn't even expect it}, I came across the hundreds of inbox messages and wall posts sent in by friends and family all over the world when we lost the girls. They were messages of so much love and support and prayer, of sadness, disbelief, and even confusion.
And just as I didn't expect to come across those messages and that time in my life just nine ever-so-short months ago, I cried.

This is how I know
With every rub of this belly,
every sweet word of love said to this little one,
every prayer sent to heaven asking God to watch this baby and keep him or her safe,
is also sent to our little angels.


I know I will never forget my girls. 
We will never stop mourning them.
And as long as we have this baby,
in utero or after birth
we'll have someone to hold the love to give to his/her sisters someday too.

 

2 comments:

Ruby Agustin said...

I totally understand why you sometimes get scared . . . but draw strength from that love you have for your girls instead; you have that eternal love for them in your heart where nobody can steal it away from you. it's locked in there safely and only you have the key . . . and you'll never lose that key!
When your new baby's born, don't also deprive him/her and yourself of the love and attention that you all rightfully deserve. There is no betrayal to Aubrey & Finley when that love is poured out. The love you give means a love shared with and from the girls. The girls will ALWAYS be part of what kind of life you will give your new baby . . . after all, you are all family and families are forever.
Keep your faith strong!

Love,
-mom-

Masto Mama said...

We love and miss you guys...and are always praying for you. I miss your girls too even though I never got to meet them...and I pray for the new little one in your sweet belly...and that he or she is safe and ready for the world in God's perfect time.

ON a different note, send me your sign in name and password again so I can re-upload your header...for some reason, they are all getting blurry (which of course is driving me crazy because I have no idea why!). I do know how to fix it though, which is always a good thing.

xoxo,
Carla

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