November 5, 2010

Originally posted on my Tumblr Blog on Nov 5, 2010 7:43am

WATCH VIDEO 1 of 2

WATCH VIDEO 2 of 2

My apologies for the poor sound quality -- I don't know what happened with the upload. May be best to put on your headphones to be able to hear it better. Again, sorry!

First off, I just want to note that there are two different blog posts here today with two different videos. For some reason, YouTube only allows 10 minutes per video so I had to upload two separate files from the same night. Please excuse the editing.

Yesterday was a bright and sunny day in the Bench household. It wasn't only because both John and I only had to work until 11 a.m. and 12 noon, respectively, but also because we are moving right along with our in-vitro process as planned.

The entire day, I was so antsy at work, and being there for only 3 hours, it sure seemed like 10. Noon came and I burst excitedly through the door, called John, and was excited to find out that he was already home. Upon getting home, my wonderful husband was already getting all of our meds ready, putting ice packs and organizing them into the cooler that one of our fancy schmancy pharmacies provided us. We soon headed off to PRC for our appointment.

We didn't wait long in the lobby when one of the nurses who I hadn't met before led us through a door on the first floor of the building and told me that they needed to take some blood. They need to take this test to check the estradiol level in my blood. Estradiol (pronounced es-truh-dial) is a type of estrogen naturally produced by the ovaries and is secreted in the follicles that grow in the ovaries. The amount of estradiol in a woman's blood changes from day to day as her monthly menstruation cycle progresses. A blood test is used to measure the estradiol or E2 level. The resulit gives fertility doctors a baseline to track how well my body will be responding to the follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) injections such has Menopur and Gonal-F, which I was scheduled to start yesterday. After that, John and I waited in an ultrasound room so Dr. Salem could give me a vaginal ultrasound to check for any other cysts or abnormallities in my uterus. When all was done, the nurse told me that they would call me later on in the day to let me know if my E2 level was good and I was clear to begin the Menopur and Gonal-F that evening.

We then went upstairs into an office next to June's where the nurse went over the next set of hormones I would be taking. I will continue to take Lupron, but from that point, only 5 units daily instead of the 10 units I had been doing thus far. She explained the new daily protocol as follows:

• 5 cc's of Lupron every morning
• 1 Medrol (pill) and 1 baby aspirin with breakfast or lunch.
• 1 prenatal pill
• 150 cc's of Gonal-F in the evening, sometime between 6 p.m. and 10 p.m.
• 1 powder container of Menopur mixed with 100 cc's of sodium chloride (see video) in the evening, sometime between 6 p.m. and 10 p.m.

See videos attached.

Afterwards, John and I stopped by Target to get some organizer containers for all our syringes and meds, then by Kaiser to obtain the last of the test results that PRC (and the State) require(s) for anyone doing IVF (they needed us to do blood tests for HIV/HTLV 2, Hepatitis, and Chlamydia/Gonorrhea). After some finagling by John, we got the test results from Dr. Martinez's nurse, and we were on our way. I faxed the test results to June immediately after getting home and the best part was getting the rest of the day to run around and just get to hang out with John. I am so lucky to have him.

So far I have already seen and experienced side effects from all the medication. Since late last week, I noticed that I got regular headaches (usually in the afternoon) and muscle pains. The bruising from the Lupron shots has not been as bad as before. I've gotten some pretty funny bruises from them but aside from the small marks left by the needle, there hasn't been too bad of bruising in these last few days. I've also been pretty emotional lately -- and I don't mean like in the unstable 16-year-old kind of way -- I mean like crying at the drop of a hat at intensely stupid things. I had been reading these discussion boards with women talking about crying at things like the wrong kind of sandwich, and remember thinking how dumb they were, and how I was not going to be like them (largely because I do NOT like crying), and here I am, crying because John's car overheated on the 14 Freeway (while, by the way, I was at work all the way in Orange County), or because we were short on stamps at work for me to send out budget packets. It was ridiculous. Luckily, having read those bulletins, it was only a matter of time before I stepped back and took a breath to recompose myself. I've also been doing these breathing exercises that John's aunt told me about and they have actually really helped.

What's been difficult to deal with are the headaches and muscle pains. I don't think they are caused by lack of sleep because another thing I've noticed is just complete tiredness all the time, so both John and I have made it a point to go to bed very early every night. The headaches are pretty regular and honestly hurt so bad that they feel debilitating. Of course, this makes me want to cry because of so much self-pity, and the crying (or the holding back of tears) causes the headache to worsen. It's an absolutely vicious cycle.

I have asked John to start doing a nightly novena with me. I want us to start praying together regularly and religiously every evening as we have a very big common goal and request of God. I want to know that we are covering all our bases in preparation for our child/ren -- physical, financial, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Whether you believe in God or not, I think that one cannot and should not challenge anyone else's faith because it is simply that: faith. There is no tangible proof -- a picture, a place -- of God or his existence, but we pray because faith is hope. We hope and believe that whoever it is listening to us, whether it is God or simply the universe, that they will know what we want, help us find a way to achieve it, or at the very least, keep us hopeful and positive, even just enough to keep us sane enough to get through the next step. My faith tells me that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, that creating this/these life/lives is worth believing in and it's a part of my faith that I hang on to with all my strength. Sometimes, all we have to do is to swallow that pill of pride and simply just ASK.

"If you abide in me and my words abide in you, you shall ask whatever you will: and it shall be done unto you." John 15:7

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it shall be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

A Funny Conversation

Originally posted on my Tumblr Blog on Nov 2, 2010 3:15pm


A funny conversation between me and my younger brother via text message . . . I swear this kid is the funniest person I know. 

Me: How you doing?

Ryan: Pretty good. Just got out of PE. What about you?

Me: Hangin in. I had a bad dream last night. It was super weird about you and it scared me so I wanted to check on you.

Ryan: Haha what happened?

Me: I don't wanna talk about it. I didn't even tell John. I just wanted to see if you're doing ok.

Me: It's waaaaay too upsetting to me to talk about. Plus it's just too weird to understand

Ryan: I'm invulnerable.

Me: Invulnerable?? Yea right.

Ryan: Nothing hurts or even TOUCHES me. I'm like Morgan Freeman

The Steps We Take

Originally posted on my Tumblr Blog on Nov 1, 2010 2:02pm

They say it takes about a week to see effects of hormone drugs and other fertility medication.   I was beginning to think that I was a lucky exception to the rule, but as my luck would have it, I definitely was not.


Today is one week into Lupron and I am starting to get an idea of the bleak side effects. Besides mild night sweats, the most noticeable effects have been irritability compounded worse with extreme fatigue.   It was scary to catch myself so many times this weekend, getting completely irritated (sadly, at John) for the most minute reasons. A few times, I snapped at him for reasons that now, a mere one to two days later, don't even remember or worse, am embarrassed to recall. I have been pretty keen to catch myself doing so, but I feel that it was always a moment or two too late -- I had already snapped at him or scoffed or given him a nasty look. This poor man just keeps turning the other cheek, and I fear that there will soon come a point where he will just get completely exasperated with me and walk out on me during one of my hormone-induced moments. Honey, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, and I promise I am trying to be good and will try better to do so.


What seems to be more affecting and remarkable is my total lethargy. Though our weekend was half spent in relaxation as a family gathering on Saturday got (thankfully) cancelled, I am back to work on a gorgeous and sunny Monday feeling nothing else but the urge -- no, the NEED -- to fling myself back into bed and spend the rest of the week in it. I feel purely and completely drained of all energy. Yesterday, while we were waiting for John's sister, Melissa to arrive with her husband and children for Halloween, I found myself so completely tired and lazy that I felt sick. John succeeded in getting me to get up and run to the store with him, which helped wake me up a little bit, but my entire body felt so heavy and useless. Today, I am typing this at work as I struggle to keep my eyes open and my already-big head up. If both our receptionist and another assistant in our already small staff had not called in sick today, I would have not had any qualms to leave and just take two or three days off and just SLEEP.


Of course, none of this is being alleviated by my lack of caffeine. Since our last appointment at PRC, where June told me to start avoiding caffeine, I have not had any coffee in my system. I have had literally a sip or two from a Coke that John may be having, but other than that, I have not had a single tall-soy-triple-shot-white-mocha or pumpkin spice latte . . . and not even a miserable cup of coffee from work. Technically I am actually allowed to have caffeine in small amounts, but while my "need" for it is present, it is just that: a "need" in airquotes. I don't NEED it like we NEED children, and it is part of the sacrifice that we make in order to make that happen.   I guess that's what it's supposed to be. It's a realization of the things we do for love and for the sake of making children . . .


Quite frankly, while I can't deny that it is a difficult process and that the day-to-day dealings can be frustrating and emotional to say the least, it is easy to remember why we are in this process and be thankful for being able to do so. I am thankful that John and I are both healthy, and that we KNOW the reason we are not conceiving, and it's NOT because something is wrong with either one of us. I know that it's not some reproductive defect, but actually just a choice that he once made, and more importantly, something that CAN be worked around and overcome. I am thankful that we were able to have the financial means to even consider this process, let alone actually do it. Money is tight for everyone these days, and not everyone would be able to do what we are doing, and I am thankful that God chose us to carry on this task. I am thankful also for such a supportive husband -- not only does he put up with me in the most irritating and confusing of moments, but he is ready and eager to bring children into this world 100%. W I have faith that because God allowed us both to be physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally ready to have babies, I know that He will bring them to us.


Aside from the side effects of my meds, I am actually feeling good. We have made so many lifestyle changes in the past few months in preparation for our child/ren. It started with cleaning out closet -- as sort of a way to "announce" to the universe that we are making room in our lives and in our home for a baby. Then we proceeded with no more alcohol (though we don't really drink anyway), more fruits and vegetables (and compensating for any lack of it with those V8 Fusion drinks), taking vitamins (I started taking pre-natals two months ago, and John started taking multivitamins about 3 months ago), completely cutting out all fake sugars / artificial sweeteners (sorbitol, aspertame, saccharin, etc.) and using only natural sugars, and eating more organic foods, including leaner meats and more whole grains. We have also started going to bed much earlier (we go to bed at about 8:30 - 9:00 p.m. now). I have also been actively working on improving my posture, as I know I will be carrying lots more weight, I want my body to be stronger in doing so. We have been going to church more regularly as well, because strong minds and bodies are nothing without strong faith. We are more careful about our choices, both in food and in life in general, and so far it has paid off. I know that in pregnancy, everyone has their opinion on what you can and cannot eat; our philosophy has been eating natural and healthier foods, keeping in mind that we are still preparing to get pregnant. Granted, we still have our share of the occasional calorie splurge or a rare glass of wine, but we are happy and proud that we have avoided them for the most part, and that we will be introducing the little life/lives we make to the most natural of environments.


Overall, when I finally get through all my thoughts in the process of writing a blog post, I realize that though there are many difficult steps in the process, I need to be more thankful that the goal is not just close, but also definitely within reach.

October 27, 2010

Originally posted on my Tumblr Blog on Oct 27, 2010 7:33am

CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO

This video and posting is a day late due to some uploading issues, but here ya go!

Finally started Lupron!

John woke me up at 6:00 a.m. yesterday, Monday the 25^th, so he could administer the shot. We had a discrepancy on how much he was supposed to give me – as we were told I had to get 10 units of it, John was not sure whether the top of the bevel on the syringe was supposed to reach the actual 10 or whether the bottom of the bevel was the baseline.

Upon checking with June, she verified that the correct dosage had the top of the bevel touching the 10 mark, so I was instructed to take another 5 units when I got home last night, as I only got 5 units in the morning

When I got home, I administered the 5 units to myself and was so surprised at how easy it was! There was a little pinch, but the shot was over and done with before I knew it. Today, I administered the full 10 units on myself and was fine. I have noticed each time, however, that I got a little red around the puncture spot for a while, as if I had a bug bite, and it was a little sore, but nothing more significant than that to report.

So far, it is only Day 2, and I have not noticed any significant side effects, except for extreme fatigue, but I am attributing that to our exhausting weekend of entertaining for my tapas birthday party on Saturday night, my surprise from John on Sunday morning (he had someone come to the house and give me a massage – AMAZING), and having my mother-in-law and her two girlfriends stay until late Sunday afternoon. I also have not been able to drink coffee, as I was advised by June to avoid caffeine, as it interferes with the estrogen levels that we are trying to regulate in my body. John and I have been so exhausted that we went to bed at 8:45 p.m. last night and slept all the way to 6:00 a.m. and 7:00 a.m. today, respectively, and plan to do the same tonight.

There is a feeling that I am fighting to catch my breath this past week. With all the getting ready for the party, entertaining until late Sunday, and now preparing for John’s sister and her family to join us for Halloween, I feel a little daunted, as if I have bitten off more than I can chew. Normally I am always up to entertain, and I have had fun doing so, but now I feel like everything is catching up with me and I am just plain tired. I am equally tired as I am excited to spend time with everyone.

John and I plan on going to bed early every night this week so that we can catch up on precious sleep and rest before the next few weeks of get-togethers, holidays, and of course, in-vitro appointments and fertility drugs.

As always, as my incredible husband says, “Eye on the prize . . . “

Lupron Lesson

Originally posted on my Tumblr Blog on Oct 22, 2010 11:29am

Lupron Lesson is done! John and I both got off work early yesterday (although I did go to work at 6:30 a.m. to make up the hours) and went to our appointment at 4:00 p.m.

First off, my poor husband got into a fender bender on his way to work in the morning. Luckily, although his front bumper was badly damaged, he himself was fine. Even if the repairs will be an expense despite auto insurance, I am just thankful that he came out unscathed, though a little shaken. This poor man who had never in his life caused any accident, told me that he felt so dumb and careless, and had to be reminded several times that it was, indeed, an accident, and that it was not his fault. I think men, in general, tend to take things like this with the same stride.

At any rate, I ended up driving us to PRC yesterday. We left a few minutes early, in the hopes of getting the appointment earlier. We brought all of our fertility drugs, syringes, and needles with us, so as to have June go over everything and we can get organized and familiar with the items.

We signed in and didn’t wait long at all, as Mia, the receptionist, led us upstairs to the financial department office. We went over the financial contract and payment with Rosie, who I had spoken to a few days ago on the phone. We gave her our cash payment and yes, we carried a big envelope of $xxxxx in pure cash. It was funny to watch them Rosie and Mia count out stacks of bills as I thought they must have thought we were so weird for paying this way.

Soon we went into June’s office to begin the lesson and consultation regarding all the drugs and hormones we received, as well as the planner/calendar and consent forms we received in the mail on Wednesday. John and I had reviewed the contracts and consent forms on Wednesday and the only thing we are not electing to do, at least as far as this IVF cycle is concerned, is cryopreservation, which involves PRC freezing the embryos we do not use this cycle for one year, in the event that we want to use them then to have another baby. It is a smaller cost, in comparison to all the other “extras” we added (i.e. PGD to choose the gender, etc.) but our mindset is that we want to put all the faith in this one cycle, in keeping the positive attitude that this ONE time will be successful. In the event that we do need the second cycle, we will go ahead and reconsider cryopreservation then. There was a lot of laughter as John and I joked around with June a lot, telling her that she must think we’re both crazy as we e-mail and call her almost daily. We are both thankful that she has been so patient, accommodating, and accessible to us.

June went over our tentative calendar with us thoroughly but quickly, and going over the medication was fairly easy. June was quite impressed with us as we knew all about the medication and how to administer the shots, thanks to our tedious research and watching videos on YouTube. The needle I will be using first is the Lupron needle, which is tiny – only about ¾ of an inch long and only about as thick as a hair. Super tiny. I am still nervous to get the shots, as I am not a fan of needles, but I am hoping that it is as easy as all the YouTube videos we’ve watched. June also mentioned that at the end of this whole process, I will be an expert at taking shots . . . and I also kept on hearing John’s voice in my head, “Eye on the prize, babe.” June was also nice enough to go over each package of the needles and syringes and label them for us, and let us know when and where we will need them. After wrapping up the demonstration, she sent us home with some samples of prenatal vitamins as well as some applicators that I will need for my doses of vaginal supplements of progesterone later on (YES, you read it correctly. Boy, that will be a post that everyone will be looking forward to. Oy, vey.).

Feeling relieved and energized that our appointment is done and that we are moving along, John and I went to Bristol Farms in Newport to do some shopping for the tapas party we are having this weekend to celebrate my birthday. Putting together a party, especially one with such a specific theme, has been a great distraction. It keeps our mind off the emotional stress of IVF, and it gets us together with our closest friends and family. We are both looking forward to this weekend’s party – although I am not so much looking forward to turning 27. Talk about late twenties . . .

On Monday, we will be starting my first Lupron shot. I am hoping to document it via video and will be sure to post it quickly. Until then . . .