The Steps We Take

Originally posted on my Tumblr Blog on Nov 1, 2010 2:02pm

They say it takes about a week to see effects of hormone drugs and other fertility medication.   I was beginning to think that I was a lucky exception to the rule, but as my luck would have it, I definitely was not.

Today is one week into Lupron and I am starting to get an idea of the bleak side effects. Besides mild night sweats, the most noticeable effects have been irritability compounded worse with extreme fatigue.   It was scary to catch myself so many times this weekend, getting completely irritated (sadly, at John) for the most minute reasons. A few times, I snapped at him for reasons that now, a mere one to two days later, don't even remember or worse, am embarrassed to recall. I have been pretty keen to catch myself doing so, but I feel that it was always a moment or two too late -- I had already snapped at him or scoffed or given him a nasty look. This poor man just keeps turning the other cheek, and I fear that there will soon come a point where he will just get completely exasperated with me and walk out on me during one of my hormone-induced moments. Honey, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, and I promise I am trying to be good and will try better to do so.

What seems to be more affecting and remarkable is my total lethargy. Though our weekend was half spent in relaxation as a family gathering on Saturday got (thankfully) cancelled, I am back to work on a gorgeous and sunny Monday feeling nothing else but the urge -- no, the NEED -- to fling myself back into bed and spend the rest of the week in it. I feel purely and completely drained of all energy. Yesterday, while we were waiting for John's sister, Melissa to arrive with her husband and children for Halloween, I found myself so completely tired and lazy that I felt sick. John succeeded in getting me to get up and run to the store with him, which helped wake me up a little bit, but my entire body felt so heavy and useless. Today, I am typing this at work as I struggle to keep my eyes open and my already-big head up. If both our receptionist and another assistant in our already small staff had not called in sick today, I would have not had any qualms to leave and just take two or three days off and just SLEEP.

Of course, none of this is being alleviated by my lack of caffeine. Since our last appointment at PRC, where June told me to start avoiding caffeine, I have not had any coffee in my system. I have had literally a sip or two from a Coke that John may be having, but other than that, I have not had a single tall-soy-triple-shot-white-mocha or pumpkin spice latte . . . and not even a miserable cup of coffee from work. Technically I am actually allowed to have caffeine in small amounts, but while my "need" for it is present, it is just that: a "need" in airquotes. I don't NEED it like we NEED children, and it is part of the sacrifice that we make in order to make that happen.   I guess that's what it's supposed to be. It's a realization of the things we do for love and for the sake of making children . . .

Quite frankly, while I can't deny that it is a difficult process and that the day-to-day dealings can be frustrating and emotional to say the least, it is easy to remember why we are in this process and be thankful for being able to do so. I am thankful that John and I are both healthy, and that we KNOW the reason we are not conceiving, and it's NOT because something is wrong with either one of us. I know that it's not some reproductive defect, but actually just a choice that he once made, and more importantly, something that CAN be worked around and overcome. I am thankful that we were able to have the financial means to even consider this process, let alone actually do it. Money is tight for everyone these days, and not everyone would be able to do what we are doing, and I am thankful that God chose us to carry on this task. I am thankful also for such a supportive husband -- not only does he put up with me in the most irritating and confusing of moments, but he is ready and eager to bring children into this world 100%. W I have faith that because God allowed us both to be physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally ready to have babies, I know that He will bring them to us.

Aside from the side effects of my meds, I am actually feeling good. We have made so many lifestyle changes in the past few months in preparation for our child/ren. It started with cleaning out closet -- as sort of a way to "announce" to the universe that we are making room in our lives and in our home for a baby. Then we proceeded with no more alcohol (though we don't really drink anyway), more fruits and vegetables (and compensating for any lack of it with those V8 Fusion drinks), taking vitamins (I started taking pre-natals two months ago, and John started taking multivitamins about 3 months ago), completely cutting out all fake sugars / artificial sweeteners (sorbitol, aspertame, saccharin, etc.) and using only natural sugars, and eating more organic foods, including leaner meats and more whole grains. We have also started going to bed much earlier (we go to bed at about 8:30 - 9:00 p.m. now). I have also been actively working on improving my posture, as I know I will be carrying lots more weight, I want my body to be stronger in doing so. We have been going to church more regularly as well, because strong minds and bodies are nothing without strong faith. We are more careful about our choices, both in food and in life in general, and so far it has paid off. I know that in pregnancy, everyone has their opinion on what you can and cannot eat; our philosophy has been eating natural and healthier foods, keeping in mind that we are still preparing to get pregnant. Granted, we still have our share of the occasional calorie splurge or a rare glass of wine, but we are happy and proud that we have avoided them for the most part, and that we will be introducing the little life/lives we make to the most natural of environments.

Overall, when I finally get through all my thoughts in the process of writing a blog post, I realize that though there are many difficult steps in the process, I need to be more thankful that the goal is not just close, but also definitely within reach.


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