Getting Antsy

Originally posted on my Tumblr blog on Oct 14, 2010 10:38pm

Today’s entry is a direct result of sheer antsy-ness and the impatience of what you would think is a four-year old.

Whenever I have an upcoming big event, my normal protocol in the effort to stay sane, focused, and somewhat socially graceful is as follows: make list upon list (mentally, on paper, on the computer, and in this case via blog), update upon update, note upon note. I go over every piece of information I have repeatedly and tirelessly and wrack my brain for potential questions, hiccups, roadblocks, and the solutions to each. It is a busy and noisy place in my ever-planning, ever-scheming head — and it is not for the weak. For me, though, it works. In making my lists etc. I am able to   remain pragmatic, dynamic, somewhat ahead of the game, and ultimately much more accomplished.

That being said …

 Today is one week before my Lupron Lesson appointment, a benchmark event (no pun or self-advertisement intended) for our IVF process, as it will be the first of the injectable hormones I will be taking for this process. Lupron works to temporarily shut off the hormonal signals from the brain to the ovaries and thus prevents the eggs from being ovulated before they are ready to be harvested for the IVF procedure. Lupron is usually self-administered for about 21 days by injection with a small needle under the skin, similar to the way diabetics take daily insulin injections. After the lesson on Thursday, I will be starting the self-administered (or in my case, husband-administered) hormones the following Monday, the 25th. By and large, I am a self-confessed needle-phobe; however, taking into account the considerable amount of needles I have had to be exposed to in the past few months prior to this point, I have become somewhat accustomed to the poke. Granted I think it will be a whole different world having to administer it to myself (or having John do so), having seen the teeny, tiny needle adequately puts my mind at ease. I am looking forward to this appointment as it is another step in the process, another item off my list. More than that, I am looking forward to having John be there too. Though I respect, understand, and am endlessly grateful for his intense work schedule and ethic, I do appreciate him being able to be at this particular appointment not only because he will need to administer the three-week daily shots to me, but also because the moral support he brings is unparalleled to anyone else I have ever seen. I will say it over and over again, this man is a saint, and I don’t know what I ever did right to deserve him.

I also emailed June today because I was worried that I was spotting a little bit. I know that immediately after a hysteroscopy, this is normal, and I did spot then, but it stopped for a couple of days and has returned during the past two. Thankfully, June called back and left me a voicemail, and I was relieved to find out that it is normal, and that I have nothing to worry about. I am to continue taking BCPs until I run out. Lupron will start next week as scheduled and everything is copacetic. Whew
Another phone call I received today was from Rosie of PRC’s financial department. Since the first conversation with June about the potential calendar of events last Friday, when I remember her mentioning “consent forms”, there had not been a mention of payment. So I didn’t say anything in hopes that … um … maybe they’d forget?!?! (YEA RIGHT! What was I thinking?) Anyway, Rosie called me today and noted that the over $12,000 in fees is due on Thursday. (That is, of course, still outside of the almost $5K for fertility drugs and the I don’t even know how much for facility fees and our Pre-Genetic Diagnosis [PGD — what will be done for gender selection] fees). I know that it is all a very large expense, but as John told me tonight, after we have our baby/ies, all the money spent will not even be an afterthought. We are just thankful and grateful that we are physically and financially able to do this process so that we can have kids. 
My birthday is coming up in a week, and although we are having a small get-together at our house for it, I am not asking much else from John or anyone (well, not much else outside of new fall boots — but that’s another blog entry!). Whenever John or anyone has asked me what I want for Christmas, I answer one thing: “Babies.” The same goes for my birthday. I wish and pray for nothing else outside of a successful IVF treatment, and of course [a] happy, healthy, and normal baby/ies. (But just in case you were wondering, I wear a size 8 and I am looking for flat, brown leather, over-the-knee boots.) We, as a couple, wish for nothing else but our child/ren, and we KNOW that it is only a matter of time before God blesses us with them. We know that our wishes and prayers will be answered, as we have so much love between each other that God will allow us to share that with children of our own — our own little contributions of love to the world. 
I had an old blog in which I always ended each entry with a quote from my then-favorite show, Grey’s Anatomy. Although I no longer watch the show, I still love the writing, and will still end this particular entry with a very fitting quote:

“We don’t wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach. We wish because we need help, and we’re scared, and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish though, because sometimes… they come true.”

We cannot wait for our big wish to come true.


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