A 5:00 a.m. Entry

It is 5:27 a.m. and I've been awake for about an hour and a half now.
No, my alarm has not gone off.
And I'm not going to lie -- I had no plans of an early gym day.
This early morning insomnia, I'm presuming, is caused by the volumes of hormones I've been taking for weeks now.


Not that I'm complaining.
My eye is as prize-focused as it has ever been,
but at some point, this lack of sleep starts to mess with one's mind.


Another side effect of the hormones is frequent urination {lovely, huh?}, and mind you, for me, waking up even once in the middle of the night to go potty is A LOT... so you can imagine how waking up an average of three times per night ever night in the past two weeks has really affected me.


Neurotic enough as I am, during those moments of potty-going, I have to monitor my brain activity. It's a thin line between being aware enough not to hit my knee on the side of the bed for the eighty-seventh time on my way to or from the restroom, and the one where my brain becomes too aware and starts running off with thoughts that, really, are not necessary at 3 or 4 a.m.


But then a moment like this morning hits... when I let my brain be too aware, and suddenly, instead of finding myself drifting back to sleep for at least another 2 to 3 hours, the lists start to form:

• Put makeup in travel bag so as to have it available next to me during bedrest.
• Make a craft basket full of supplies, so as also to keep it next to me during next week's bedrest.
• What do I even include / not include in the craft basket?
• Reason with John so he would not be so leery to have me keep a glue gun next to me next week.
• What food to order this weekend for when my extended family comes to visit: Los Golondrinas? Bad to the Bone BBQ? {I'll be on bedrest so no, John is not allowing me to cook for the family this time.}

My mind wanders to so many different topics and goes through so many different emotions in these dark and quiet early morning hours:

• Anxiety about the embryo transfer -- what if it doesn't work? What if we have to go through with this one more painful time?
• Irritation and anger at people who have told me they hope I have twins again {despite the dangers and risks that they know it entails} just to say that they have twins in their family. While I am not against it if God wills it, it's not funny or cute to joke of risk... and it makes me wonder, do they say they mourn Aubrey & Finley with me only because they were twins? {Believe it or not, someone really has told me this}
• Hey, way to be passive aggressive, Angela.

Being alone with one's thoughts is not always pretty, but the key to holding it all together and not sinking into a pool of anxiety or fear or anger is to focus on all good things, especially faith. I know that when I notice myself starting to venture into places I don't want to be in, it has, and always has been, my faith in God that has saved me. Even with losing my girls, I knew that He was my number 1 defense against depression and anger. In return for my faith, He has granted me the grace to accept His will and not question His reason for taking my girls back. I have said this then and I say it again now: I have not had the urge to ask God why.

And you know what? This faith, the one that has kept me afloat, the one that has given me strength, is the one that I know will veer me away from anger or resentment, lead me to my heart's desires, carry me through, and let my brain rest once again.