So You Think You Can Plan Everything

I have owned a planner since I was 11 years old.
I remember that Christmas {our first one since moving to California from New York} when my aunt asked me what I wanted and I answered simply: a planner.

An 11 year old's schedule wasn't really all that jam packed
and none of the contents in that calendar was really made of my own decisions as a person
but ever since then, I had been intoxicated by the love of having some semblance of control and literally a visual of what life had in store. 

Fast forward 17 years later and despite the number of surprises and curve balls that have come my way, I feel that I have managed to stay somewhat in control of the general scheduling and list making in my life.

Seven months ago, the biggest blow came when we lost the girls. Suddenly, my life was about not only damage control of picking up the pieces of my shattered life, but it was the coming to terms with the unfulfilled plans that struck, and it struck hard.

Still, my vow then was, at least as far as baby making goes, to just let God take control. Last time, my state of neurosis took the reins and ran with it... ran far with it. But since then, for months now, I have been preaching about faith.

This morning was God's way of calling me out: Practice what you preach, He probably said. 

We went to PRC's Torrance office at 6:00 a.m. It didn't take them long to lead me back to the procedure room where J sat with me. We played Angry Birds until Dr. Salem came in with a nurse, followed shortly by the embryologist, May. May gave us a picture of the top two embryos of our nine fertilized. Both May and Dr. Salem noted that the larger of the two eggs was "excellent". For a few minutes, we discussed our choices of implanting one or two embryos. Amidst conversation, I asked the doctor, "We did PGD for female, right?" {PGD = Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis = a biopsy done on the embryos on Day 3 after fertilization to determine gender}

Both Dr. Salem and May looked at me like deer in headlights.

"What?" they both said.
"Yes, PGD. We paid for it and signed for it. It's in our contract." J replied.

They both proceeded to explain how their charts do not indicate this, and that this being Day 5, it is not ideal to conduct the biopsy now. They were still open to doing so, but then we would have to postpone the embryo transfer to tomorrow morning.

While I could see my husband start to fume and his face start to turn red as he buried them in his hands, I asked Dr. Salem and the staff to give us a few minutes.

Normally, I would take on the role of neurotic and downright freaking out at this time, but something came over me. It was a calm that I had never felt before, and I swear to you, I heard God's voice in my head. Time to give Me control, he told me. Let me take the reins. And at that moment, I knew. I knew that God has seen our suffering and pain and He is ready to reward us. The only thing is that we have to TRUST him. If our faith is our saving grace, there is no other moment other than this one that will allow us to prove it to Him more. All I need to do is trust and He will make it all okay.
So after my husband asked them to come in, they proceeded to implant our little peanut. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was me giving it all to Him. 

So the big surprise . . . is that it actually is a surprise. Are we going to find out the gender before the baby is born? Sure. But that doesn't mean we have to know now.


The Gray Family said...

How fun!!! I know your reasonings for preferring girl, but, little boys are AMAZING too (I should know lol). I know God will never give you more than you can handle, and I praise you for leaving this in His hands :) Love you both very much!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE the WAY GOD works!!!! You made me smile so big reading your blog!!! I love you guys and know that ALL things work for the BEST when God is in control; not us XOXOXO Aunt Lesa

Ruby Agustin said...

. . . Trust God . . . you said it yourself - so walk the talk and don't waiver!


Carla (Choosing His Joy) said...

So exciting Angela! We will be praying for you guys!!!!!!! xoxoxoxo

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