What is Love? A Lesson for Our Baby Girl

Dear Camden,

We are so close to the day we get to finally meet you in person. Throughout this pregnancy, I realized how true it is that every parent worries about their baby. Right now, our worry is getting you into our arms safely, healthily, and happily. I know that when you are born, we will constantly be worrying for your safety -- are you breathing? Are you eating well enough? Is your poop supposed to be this color? Daddy and I have met with your pediatrician last week, and we've warned her that the question "Should I be worried?" will be coming out of our mouths quite often.

Outside of that, we worry about how you will grow up. Parents want their children to fit in, to find themselves comfortable in their own skin, and whether as a child or an adult, we want you to find love. We want to teach and instill love in your heart so you know what to look for, what to expect, and what you deserve.

As your Daddy and I celebrate our anniversary today, I look forward to your life and I wish for you


The kind of love that opens your door and pulls out your chair even after 5 years of being together
The kind of love that wakes up at 2 a.m. just to help you take some Benadryl during an unexpected allergy attack
The kind of love that checks your car gas level and fills up your tank at 10 p.m. because you are going for a drive in the morning
The kind of love that argues with you because you are not napping enough
The kind that gives you a leg and foot rub without expecting one in return


A love that turns off his video game even during an intense battle because he sees you are in bed and decides to cuddle with you instead.
A love that goes out of his way to pick up treats for you {and your future baby} on his way home from work -- just because.
A love that lets you get angry as you think he has nothing planned for your birthday, just so he can keep up the surprise that ends up being an item being crossed off your bucket list
A love that listens to you vent and spin out and then just holds you when you're ready to cry


Most of all, I wish you the kind of love that cherishes the person you are, encourages you to be the best version of yourself, and one that you know will return yours forever.

Always yours,

Mommy

30 Weeks

Weeks: 30 weeks . . . 10 more short weeks to go!

Weight Gain: +11.5 lbs from pre-pregnancy weight!

This Week's Cravings: I had to ask J this question because surprisingly enough, I didn't crave anything out of the ordinary this week. Of course, I'm still chugging down a pretty steady flow of cran-grape juice, but he and I agree: perhaps cravings dwindle towards the end of pregnancy? Who knows. All I know is that he is pretty thankful that there haven't been any 1:30 a.m. emergency Oreo trips to CVS as of late.

New Maternity / Baby Purchases: I don't know if I can even relay how excited we are that this week that our friends, Craig and Michelle {who are also expecting their twin boys in late July / early August}, sent us the Chicco KeyFit 30 car seat that we had on our baby registry! {J has known Craig for many years, and I met him for the first time in February when we went to Las Vegas for J's work convention. Michelle and I have not had the pleasure of meeting yet, but this needs to happen soon! *hint, hint, J and Craig!*} It was an absolute surprise and it was so thoughtful of them to send the car seat. Another item we did buy this week for Cam is Sophie Giraffe and a leash to keep her secure. 

I figure this much -- Pretty much, Baby B has no choice but to love this toy. According to so many moms I have spoken to, Sophie is a baby staple. {Find out HERE exactly why} I think I am more excited than anyone to have gotten Sophie. {FYI, Craig and Michelle, do NOT go out and buy Sophie. You have a double order coming your way!}

Moment of the Week: This is going to sound silly and perhaps downright nerdy, so before sharing the moment of the week, I should let readers who don't know that I thrive on a full schedule. I have had a day planner since I was 11 years old. To me, there is nothing more exhilarating than filling a calendar and / or checklist and slowly crossing off items and events as they get completed. My personal moment of this past week was finally sitting down and registering for the rest of the classes we need before the baby is born and synching J's and my calendars to include all the activities. Additionally, I placed reminders on both our home and phone calendars regarding things that I have to do and prepare before the baby shower and Cam's arrival. Being able to look at our full calendars and knowing we are prepared has added a little bit more ease to our hearts and minds that we are ready for our little lady to arrive.    

This Week's Pregnancy Cheat: On Tuesday, on my way to a maternity focus group in which I participated, I stopped at Bruegger's Bagels and had a smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel. It had been a long time since I had smoked salmon, and its flavor along with the cream cheese and the bite of the capers and fresh onions were sooooo delicious. 

Things to Look Forward To: This week we are starting the first of the set of five Childbirth Preparation / Lamaze classes we signed up for. I look forward to this particularly more because it's something to keep us busy for the next five weeks and by the time the series is over, I'll be 35 weeks pregnant already! Like I said in my last post, it's easier to look forward to small events and before you know it, the bigger event we are looking forward to is here!

Sleep Pattern: My sweet little party animal has made the past few nights very interesting, to say the least. Especially because of my nightly kick counts, J and I have been able to peg down a general schedule of when she is awake at night. We've noticed that she's awake {and makes it quite known that she's awake} at around 8:00 p.m., 11:00 p.m., and 1:00 a.m. Her sleep and waking patterns are quite rigid, and it's been good training for me in preparation of when she is born and I will have to be partying with her during those times. Her movements, especially during her 1:00 a.m. parties, are strong and seem very deliberate, and they take their inevitable toll on her Mamma's sleep.

Things I'm Really Missing: Both J and I have noted that the belly seems to have grown exponentially during these past three weeks, especially, and with that comes extra weight and extra strain on my body. While I absolutely enjoy every moment of pregnancy {I seriously do!}, the aches and pains that come along with it are positively unavoidable now. I look forward to being able to move more freely and being able to lay on my stomach once Cam gets here.

--------------------------------

I realize I probably say this every week, but I can't believe we are at this point already! 30 weeks! With our history in mind, I never thought I'd make it this far. Each week, I closely read and follow articles online and the apps on my phone about fetal development and get more and more relieved as each passing week gives Camden more and more of a fighting chance, should she {God forbid} have to come out early. 

At this point, we are trying our best not to think of worst case scenarios and just focusing on enjoying our little girl, even if she hasn't been born yet. Everyday, J and I talk about her, what personality she has now and what she will have when she's here, and we dream together of what our life will be like when she is born. We often sit in her nursery and daydream of her, and late at night or even when J gets home from work, we lay in bed with our hands on the belly, waiting for her to give us a little swish or flick. I'm sure most couples will agree that pregnancy makes marriage that much sweeter. I may try to fight it most of the time sometimes, but I do love how protective of me and the baby J gets. He's always making sure that I take several breaks during the day to lay on my side and relax, gives me the bigger side of the couch to lay on when we're watching TV, encourages me to nap {and sometimes actually tries to plan our day around my naptime!}, and argues {yes, argues!} with me about letting HIM do the dishes!

Needless to say, I feel extremely blessed. There is a song from The Sound of Music with a part that goes:

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood

Perhaps I had a miserable youth

But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past

There must have been a moment of truth.

For here you are, standing there, loving me

Whether or not you should

So somewhere in my youth or childhood,

I must have done something good.

That song always seems to come to mind these days. I am aware and grateful of how I have been blessed with an absolutely amazing and supportive husband, and despite the rough journey we have been on in the past year, we are, this week, so thankful to be that much closer to our "something good."

Therefore, I will give thanks to You, O Lord . . . and sing praises to Your name. {2 Samuel 22:50}

A Month of Action

A few weeks ago, I went with a friend to see the movie I Don't Know How She Does It.
The basic premise: Busy working mom gets even busier with a large project and a marriage potentially on the rocks.


Now, I'm in neither situation.
I'm not a mom to school age children {yet},
nor is my marriage on the rocks.


I guess this is my way of apologizing and explaining myself,
because while Kate Reddy still seems to be able to do it all,
I seem to still be searching for the right formula to do so.


Last year, I was phenomenal at keeping everyone up to date with all our In-Vitro steps.
Disappointingly enough this year,
aside from a few short blips and check-ins on Facebook,
I have managed to maintain radio silence about this process.


These days, it seems like there are not enough hours to do anything.
From a full time, 8-hour a day job that leaves me absolutely wilted like a wet piece of paper at the end of the day,
I get home and want to do nothing else but cuddle up to my husband {never mind that he has those ridiculous headphones for his Playstation 3 on -- I'll take it!}

{He's gonna get mad at me for posting this picture, but that's what you get for smiling like that, Mr. B!}

I've managed to drag my lazy behind to the gym a few times, but aside from that, I have had clean laundry that had stacked up, unfolded in a hamper that could only hold a quarter of what was there for about a week and a half {it finally got folded two nights ago}, crafts undone in my craft room, and grocery shopping that got put off until I go {possibly today?} this weekend.

I'm not whining or complaining, I promise. 

And very true to character, if I am so much as putting out an even an ounce of whine or complaint, I am always finding a solution.

So here it is:

Today is October 1st,

the start of a new month,

the beginning of the month with the most action being done in our journey for Baby Bench #3,

and today, I will start being more diligent in posting updates and news about our journey.

And in the spirit of keeping all our readers well informed, here is what's going on...

Last Tuesday, I had my hysteroscopy done at my regular doctor at Kaiser, Dr. Moore.

Although I am no stranger to this procedure {I had two done last year through our IVF doctor}, the way this was done was all new to me.

Unlike last year's procedures, I was fully awake during this process. Last year, they sedated me and I had to sleep off the sedatives for hours when I got home from work.

This time, I was instructed to just take Motrin the night prior and the day of the procedure, they numbed me down there, and away they went.

The experience was not completely awful, I must say. Outside of the actual process of numbing {i.e. injections on my cha cha} which was a long and dull pain, everything else went smoothly. I didn't have to take an entire day off work just to recover.

Of course, in the end, what matters is the results, and everything went successfully. 

By Friday morning, I had the procedure report in my hand as J and I walked into our IVF doctor's office.

Our Friday appointment involved receiving our IVF meds {syringes galore!} and {the most painful part} paying for the procedures to follow.

The same as last year, we went over the initial medication with our nurturer / patient coordinator. This year, her name is Maria. {If you remember, last year's was June, but she is no longer with the same company} Maria is an older nurse, and J and I love her so far.

Today, Saturday, I received a phone call from Dr. Moore at about 9:30 a.m. {hello, Random!} just to let me know that the pathology results from the excess endometrium {the lining of the uterus} he removed are normal, and that this puts us well on the way to having Baby #3. 

On Monday, I will be starting the first of the Lupron shots. Just like last year, I will be self-injecting this hormone into my belly every morning for the next 10-12 days. The needle is small, and I honestly barely feel anything {For once, hooray for belly fat!}.

I'm trying very hard to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize, as my husband always reminds me.

When you've been through what we have been through, it's hard not to constantly be scared of the worst. There is a part of me that always thinks,

What if it doesn't work?

But yesterday, I saw my sister-in-law, and she said something that sparked HOPE in me...

"I have Faith that it will happen."

Although her statement did not focus on the word Faith itself,

her statement did remind me of what has kept J and me going through last year's process, our loss six months ago, and our everyday since: FAITH.

I know it is through this alone that we are kept hopeful and optimistic,

and it is through Faith that we hear the Lord's voice telling us

that our future is bright

and that our baby is just around the corner,

with her big sisters holding her close

as she prepares to join us and make our family whole.

The Little Things

Originally posted on my Tumblr Blog on Dec 8, 2010 11:31am

Me: Our babies are the size of sweet peas today.

John: I love sweet peas.

Steam Engine

Originally posted on my Tumblr Blog on Oct 20th, 2010 11:07am

Now that we have gotten the medicine and drug inventory complete, as my little brother used to say, we only have “one more sleep” until our Lupron Lesson appointment at PRC tomorrow. It occurred to me that despite countless phone calls and correspondence with June, we had really only ever met her once, which was during our initial appointment at the Irvine office of PRC. For the rest of the procedures we have done, we have had to go to the Torrance office. I am really excited to be going to just the Irvine office tomorrow. As much as we’d been to the Torrance location, the Irvine one feels like the “home” office as it is in Orange County too.

Aside from the anticipation of tomorrow’s lesson and finally putting everything in its place in my head, I am a little bit overwhelmed with all the medication that came yesterday. Well, let me correct myself: I am overwhelmed with the amount of needles involved. I guess it’s just a little daunting to see a boxful of needles and syringes and know that it’s all for YOU. I imagined myself so much holding deep breaths and white-knuckled grips on pillows so much that I actually had dreams (more like nightmares) last night of needles being left in my skin and tearing my skin open.

As always, the silver lining in this whole ordeal has been John. Despite his sheer exhaustion last night, he laid down on the couch as I went through the treasure box (styrofoam as it may be) of sharps and hormones, and still encouraged me. This man is my rock. When I told him that I felt as though I was a little overwhelmed, he reminded me, “Honey, eye on the prize”. It’s those little reminders from him that not only bring a little sunshine to my day, but also provide me a stronger and sturdier backbone. Constantly, I am reminded of how I cannot wait to give this man [a] child/ren, of what a great husband he is, and what a great father I know he will be to our daughter[s].

Another source of encouragement for me who must be mentioned is my little brother, Ryan. Many of you know that this guy is the best thing that ever happened to me, that he is my source of pride and joy. Our bond is inexplicable, irrevocable, and incomparable. He is only 14 years old but he carries wisdom and intuition of people who are twice, perhaps even three times his age. Ryan and I already have a nephew through our older brother, and we adore him to no end, and I think what Ryan and I look forward to is bringing a cousin or two to our dear little nephew, Gab. Ryan follows this blog religiously, which is more than what I could ever say or expect from any other 14 year old I know. I also know that he is looking forward to having a little niece around full time. It’s difficult for us, having Gab so far away, although we are lucky to have Vonage and Skype and Facebook to keep us somewhat closer-knit. At any rate, I have seen how protective and wonderful Ryan is to Gab, and I can’t wait to see how he will be, taking care of [a] little baby girl[s]. So, shout out to you, baby bro.

[ Gab & Uncle Ryan during Ryan's last visit to the Philippines ~ July 2010 ]

I am trying to hold in my excitement and anticipation for tomorrow’s appointment. My anticipation and excitement isn’t necessarily due to tomorrow’s appointment being the extraction or transfer, but because it’s another step along this process. In my head, I imagine this process like a steam locomotive engine – the pistons, rods, wheels, and axles idling and starting to warm up and chug along the journey ahead.

Learning about the Lupron and the other drugs tomorrow will put another piece to this puzzle and help me settle everything into their respective places in the timeline in my head. And for now? Eye on the prize, eye on the prize, eye on the prize . . .

Typical Tuesday, Eh?

Originally posted on my Tumblr Blog on Oct 19, 2010 3:32pm

Me (via Twitter): Really tempted to get some fresh lobster to steam for dinner . . . for no other reason besides “I love @JBench99 so much”

Now Via Email…

Me: Did you get my tweet?

John: Yes crazy. What time is dinner?

Me: Well do you want lobster for dinner?

John: Do I want Lobster? That's like asking me if I want air..yes